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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
The word bed looks like a bed.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.