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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.