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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.