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"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Soup of the day: Tequila.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.