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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.