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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I’m late for a disappointment.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.