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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.