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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.