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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.