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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.