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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it