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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I fake my LOLs
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.