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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.