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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.