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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.