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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?