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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.