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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL