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I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.