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Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards