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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what