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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.