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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.