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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?