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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.