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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.