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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point