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People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…