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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.