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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.