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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.