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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?