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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.