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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".