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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.