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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.