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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.