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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Condoms prevent minivans.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.