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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
The only dates I get are updates.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.