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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.