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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"