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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.