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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.