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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.