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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.