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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...