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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.