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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Some people should come with subtitles.