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I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.