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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.