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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.