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Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.