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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.