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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.