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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.