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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?