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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food