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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...