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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.