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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.