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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes