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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.