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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
I`m tired of things costing money
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.