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I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.