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Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Save water- shower with me!
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.