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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.