Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.