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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.