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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.