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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.