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Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Please do not read this.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.